You are not the worst thing that ever happened to or even because of you.
Many many years ago, when I was a year out of college, living in New York City, and living very paycheck to paychek, I had a deeply embarassing thing happen. I have, in fact, never told this story before. I was doing temp work, and I worked for a week at some lawyer’s office. He told me I had to work through lunch, partly because I had to order lunch and sign for it and have it ready for him. I don’t remember exactly how he phrased it, but how I interpreted it was that I was to order his lunch and something for me, and sign for it. I mean, it made sense to me since he was requiring me to work through lunch. And because he looked like a very rich lawyer to me, and I was a very poor starving artist type. He noticed after a few days and absolutely crucified me. What really upset me was that he implied I had purposely pulled one over on him, vs. simply misunderstanding a) his instructions and b) exactly how stingy he was. (I can say that second part now, with perspective, because I’m sure at the time I was too busy being MORTIFIED to wonder what his problem was.
To this day, if you really want to push my buttons, imply I don’t have integrity. Imply I didn’t negotiate in good faith. Imply I was trying to pull one over on you. Yes, it’s possible that very early, deeply embarrassing experience sent me on a path of being the person who bends over backwards to be transparent. To understand what exactly people are saying. To ask all the detailed questions. But no, I’m not going to thank that guy…I was already stalwart enough without him, and sometimes I feel like I’m constantly redeeming myself for actions that weren’t actually bad. 🤷🏻♀️
The other behavior it instilled in me was to give people the benefit of the doubt and more than that, to not assume that other people’s actions represent all they are. Nor that their actions are about me or against me, as much as they are about themselves and for themselves.
Something I’ve always loved about Buffy the Vampire Slayer is how much it believes in redemption, giving people that benefit of the doubt, coming back from the bad thing to become something better.
It’s represented throughout. Giles was a punk rocker and kinda into black magic, and now he’s the most upstanding guy he could be. Vampires gain and lose souls, seeking atonement when they’re in their right mind. That creepy teen boy? OK, sure, he’s objectifying women one minute, but absolutely drawing a line the next minute…teaching us what consent is without spelling it out. (And frankly, that’s like a lot of teen boys.) The mean girl? Can quietly also do something kind. And, been turned into a werewolf? No problem: Three days out of the month just lock yourself in a cage with snacks and ride it out. The vengeance demon turned human…she’s building a better life now. No more vengeance.
No one is ever defined by their worst impulse or the worst thing they ever did.
Buffy: "You came through, Xander. There may be hope for you yet."
You and I aren’t either. Because we each still have the chance to do better and be better. Sometimes that requires only an internal shake-up, and sometimes it requires more visible accountability. Sometimes it may even require hard consequences.
I like to think we can change our own worst stories to become only a waystation that is part of a much longer narrative arc that heads ever towards redemption, a comeback.
The #epicfail is really just the starting point for your greatest rise
The cringeworthy moment is really just the introduction to The More You Know rainbow’s appearance
Feeling ashamed about treating someone badly is empathy nipping at your heels to change how you treat the next person. (Maybe go say you’re sorry?)
Now, you can help me feel less alone in telling my super-cringey story. Please tell me it’s not just me, and you too were once called out on a boneheaded move 🙏🏻
Willow: "Well, I like you. You're nice, and you're funny and you don't smoke, and okay, werewolf but that's not all the time. I mean, three days out of the month I'm not much fun to be around, either.”
Signposting and sharing
📺 Next week’s recapping will cover Buffy Season 2, episodes 17 and 18, which includes the msot devasting episode of the season, and in the top few most devastating for the series as a whole. Doesn’t that make you excited for it?
🛠️ Tool of the week/Meal-planning: I mentioned last week that I was working on a meal planning tool, and today begins my second week of using it. Last week I did indeed a) Cook more frequently than I had been, b) use up some of the produce that was aging in my fridge, c) Hit my daily protein and fiber goals, and d) Get more variety than my usual airfry-a-bunch-of-random-ingredients-with-the-same-seasoning/flavors-every-night gets me. See below for an idea of what I built. And you can actually check out the whole thing at this link. It was really pretty easily done.
📚 This week’s book is This Kaleidoscope Career by Helen Jonsen. It is coming this September, and I was lucky enough to get a galley to read. I was Helen’s second guest on her podcast of the same name, and I was immediately attracted to that evocative alternative to “portfolio career.” I like that it evokes color and vibrancy. And I like that it evokes pieces falling into place each time to make the next great picture. When I was interviewed by Helen for that podcast episode I was struck by how she repeated back to me my own story, finding throughlines and narrative glue that I hadn’t already found. This book will help you do the same for yourself. Pre-order here.
🙋🏻♀️ Question of the Week: Do you have a great comeback or turnaround story? It’s quite common to be asked about great achievements. It’s pretty comon to be asked about miggest mistakes or worst qualities (and no, being a perfectionist doesn’t count). But I’ve always loved to ask people about their story. Their origin story, the story of how they got from their origin to where they are today, and in today’s case, their best comeback story. To me a story includes an arc, a beginning, middle, and end. Asking people their story vs. about a singular event, gets you different and more layered responses. So, what’s yours?
Bonus: here’s what my menu planner looks like. Let me know if you’d like help exploring creating one yourself.
The three main components of my meal planner include:
1. Note what’s in my pantry/fridge already (and note which fruit and veggies I need to use soon)
2. Generate a meal plan (I can insert outside meals I like, I can swap meals, I can keep some meals and then ask it to regenerate new meals for the ones I didn’t mark to keep).
3. Generate a shopping list, which I can export to an Apple Note.
My daily tarot card:
Today I drew the Eight of Stakes…reversed. (Stakes=Wands in a typical tarot deck.) Wands are the suit of creativity and passions, and it’s the suit I tend to pull more than any other on newsletter day. The Eight of Stakes emphasizes how much communication matters in attaining success or victory. And when reversed, it’s a particular warning that there are likely missed or crossed or complicated signals ahead. When the stakes (no pun intended) are high, it’s the time to counterintuitively slow it down and give a good onceover to anything you send, write, or say.
Back in the BlogHer days there was a speech I gave to my Events team before every show at some point during the lead-up. I would say that I knew it was getting close, and things were starting to feel more and more urgent. And that was exactly the time to slow down, take pauses, check twice. It’s really the old “Measure twice, cut once” carpentry rule applied to any kind of mission-critical, time-sensitive work. Correcting a mistake made in haste will always take more time than simply slowing down and making sure you do it right the first time. Maybe that’s the opposite of “Move fast and break things,” but I can live with that!
A card pull or full reading can help make a specific decision. Or can set the tone for your week. Either way, options are here, my Buffy deck and I are at your service! https://calendly.com/elisacp
Out in the world this week: I’m making trouble on LInkedIn again
I notice there are two schools of thought on LinkedIn: AI is our new God and if you’re not 100% on the AI train you’re either an idiot or resigned to being left hopelessly behind. OR AI is the new Satan, here to destroy everything including humanity itself. I use the religious terms on purpose, becaue both approaches seem kind of fanatical to me. AND both seem to steerpeople away from thinking that actually we as individuals, teams, and societies have agency in both how we use these tools, and in how we INSIST companies and governments and other policymaking entities develop and oversee these tools…and hold one another accountable.
Last week I kind of went after the AI=God crowd by asking us all to dig a little deeper into every supposedly altruistic move these huge implacable tech companies make and ask ourselves if that’s really making a difference, and certianly if that’s all those companies can do.
This week, I had a few words for people whose entire feeds have become “call outs,” naming and shaming and blaming…”That’s AI,” and “This is AI,” and “They must use AI.”
Key excerpts:
“…you know why AI writes the way it does, right? It's because PEOPLE WRITE THAT WAY. em-dashes, the rule of threes, the not this but that stuff? AI didn't create it, they are seeing that it is statistically likely that this is how to build an argument or make a point because that's how people have done and many of us will continue to do.”
and
“Rather than calling out people who are turning to the tool they're being told they need to become proficient with if they want to save their career, I'd call out the systems, the institutions, and the "leaders" who are letting us down.”
And as you can guess I have a rant about exactly how they’re letting us down between those two statements :)
So, what Buffy episodes did I watch this past week?
I watched Season 2, episodes 15 (Phases recap) and 16 (Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered recap)…which aired on January 27 and February 10, 1998 respectively.
The core #BuffyLifeLesson in Season 2 Episode 15 is that we are more than our worst day would have us believe: Sure, maybe you’re an absolute monster a few days a month; who amongst us has not been? But your worst day doesn’t define you. Nor does your most #epicfail. If you are moved by videos about programs that let prison inmates care for puppies or grow gardens (like I am) then I know you believe that somewhere deep inside too.
The core #BuffyLifeLesson in Season 2 Episode 16 is actually about consent. At first it’s a cautionary tale about not respecting it, but it becomes a lesson about how to recover your moral foundation, both by caring about consent, and by not caring whether people will approve of the things you consent to.
I’m here every week, using pop culture (and Buffy the Vampire Slayer right now) as a jumping off point for everything I’m thinking about professional leadership, personal development, political philosophy, and pop culture. I would love you to join me by subscribing. And I would love you to share the link with other nerds like us!
FINAL WORDS
Cordelia: "All you ever do is what everyone else does, so you can say you did it first. And here I am scrambling for your approval, when I'm way cooler than you are because I'm not a sheep! I do what I want, I wear what I want, and you know what? I'll date whoever I want to date, no matter how lame he is!”
-From Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered, Season 2, Episode 16
