The world learned of actor Anthony Stewart Head’s untimely passing yesterday, and in my Buffy bubble, the world mourned Rupert Giles, the mentor and father figure we all wanted (and on rewatches later in life, a Sexy Librarian of the male variety). Of course he was known for other things than Buffy, from the Nescafe ads that made coffee as sexy as it’s ever been to a stint as Frank N Furter in Rocky Horror Picture Show to playing what must be Rupert Giles’s shadow self, villainous ex-husband Rupert Mannion on Ted Lasso. I even own one of his albums, Music for Elevators (which I’m listening to as I write this).

His unexpected loss means that of course it’s time for me to tackle one of the topics I’ve had on my list for this newsletter since I dreamed it up. The topic of the relationship between Buffy and Giles, and why it modeled one of the most healthy adult-youth, mentor-mentee relationships in media in its day. (And probably still.)

The tropes are endless…enemies-to-lovers, disdain/hostility-masking- attraction, violence/anger-becomes-passion, impossibly-young-and-desirable-woman-falls-for-older-man-because-of-his-amazing-intellect, predatory-teen-girl-targets-hapless-man, will-they-or-won’t-they? (that never seems to ask, should-they?).

There was never the slightest hint of any of these tropes brewing between Buffy and her Watcher (a creepy term all on its own), Rupert Giles the librarian.

The show spanned 7 years, taking Buffy from 16 to 22, and if Giles was about ASH’s actual age, he went from 43-49. Buffy, in fact, did have relationships that feel inappropriate now, twice with vampires who were literally a century or two older, and with one of those vampires, the violence-to-sexual-passion pipeline was pretty direct.

And yet, you will never get a creepy vibe wondering if Giles is secretly lusting after his charge. Nor does Buffy ever seem to have a crush on Giles, or flirt with him, or seek his attention in even an implicitly sexual way.

And it’s not that Giles doesn’t have sexuality…in fact there’s a mini-will-they-or-won’t-they between him and computer science teacher Jenny Calendar starting right in Season 1, with an adorable relationship ensuing.

It helps to think about the media of the time to see how unusual the Buffy-Giles relationship is:

There are numerous other examples of all of the above tropes, some even living in Buffy’s relationships with other men in the Buffyverse.

One of the most interesting things to consider years later, after discovering that creator Joss Whedon was beyond problematic with solely his young female stars, is how that Giles-Buffy dynamic was written, acted, and sustained.

Buffy is positioned as a strong woman, but on the weekly she was traumatized and re-traumatized. Big spoilers ahead: In seven years she died twice, was pulled out of heaven against her will, was sexually assaulted by a partner, was loved and left, was injured and re-injured, lost loved ones, had her mind and body manipulated. As a strong woman, she certainly was made to pay. Over and over. And expected to prevail even so.

But the mutual respect and appropriate level of tenderness and care between Giles and Buffy was demonstrated, implicitly, in actions, and stated, explicitly, in words. I assume much of the credit goes to the performances…to the purity of their sub-textual choices…not just the writing.

It’s one of the very best aspects of the show. It’s why Anthony Stewart Head’s loss hits hard. And it is a credit not just to the writers, but to the actors who were able to play that kind of relationship without any inappropriate subtext and without requiring de-sexualization to do so.

There may not be a business lesson here, specifically, but by showing us what a healthy mentor-mentee relationship looks like, the lesson can be that if you’re getting something other than that Buffy/Giles vibe from someone you’re in a similar kind of relationship with, respect your gut. There is another way, and we all are allowed to build our chosen family and our support system using the Buffy-Giles way as one of our criteria.

I have often said women spend way too much brain power figuring out how to deflect and sidestep and manage unwanted and unhealthy gender dynamics in the workplace…imagine what we could accomplish if we didn’t have to do that? Maybe, like Buffy, we could save the world…a lot.

I’m curious if you’ve clocked these and other reductive tropes in the media you consume. Which one most pushes your buttons?

Bonus: here’s what my alt-text generator looks like. Let me know if you’d like the prompt I used to create it.

Eric Tash and I had a great conversation on his Worthy for Thirty podcast last week. It covers a lot of ground, especially around BlogHer’s origins and scaling. But I also give a bunch of counterintuitive advice, like:

Mostly, I’m out here making the case that sometimes it’s good to have someone advising you who neither works for you (like your staff), nor has control over you (like your board). Like I say on my new LI profile (did you check it out yet? I’d love any feedback, especially from those of you who know and have worked with me!), someone who’s in your corner, in your ear, in your business.

I watched Season 2, episodes 11 (Ted recap) and 12 (Bad Egg recap)…which aired on December 8, 1997 and January 12, 1998 respectively.

The core #BuffyLifeLesson in Season 2 Episode 11 is something that should be pretty obvious: If you love something let it go. If it doesn't come back to you, don't make yourself a robot and hold women captive 🤷🏻‍♀️ Seriously, there are multiple episodes throughout the series when characters lose someone and go to extreme lengths to try to bring them back. It never goes well. I think more than a series of cautionary tales about grieving loved ones who pass, this is is a series of cautionary tales acknowledging the reality that a woman is at most risk of fatal domestic violence when she is in the process of leaving or has just left.

The core #BuffyLifeLesson in Season 2 Episode 12 is teen pregnancy bad. OK, it might not be that simple, but this is a pretty lightweight episode that takes reminds us that no matter how often Buffy and Gang are out there saving lives, they’re still teenagers and going through the typical teenage stuff, like the tension between hormones and fear of adult responsibilities.

I’m here every week, using pop culture (and Buffy the Vampire Slayer right now) as a jumping off point for everything I’m thinking about professional leadership, personal development, political philosophy, and pop culture. I would love you to join me by subscribing. And I would love you to share the link with other nerds like us!